While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
