I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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