I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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