I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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