youre lurking in front of me
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
