Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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