You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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