soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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