it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
