i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
