Girls should come with a carfax report
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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