When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
