Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
