Having a random hookup so left but love u
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
