I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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