If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
