ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
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I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
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spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's rum buckets o'clock
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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