i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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