i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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