Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
