I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
