I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
