it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize