Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
