youre lurking in front of me
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize
