First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
