So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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