Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
They took my balls.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
