Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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