If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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