Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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