I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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