so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
