If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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