I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
