mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
