Can Purell be used as lube?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
