No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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