Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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