I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
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i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
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I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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