I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
