I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
