this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
