also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
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You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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