I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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