Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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