anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
