He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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