my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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