I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
