I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
this beer tastes like vomit already
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ