There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
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sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
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No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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