Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
