a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
