My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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