you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
