she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
