Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
