Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
