Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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