well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
