I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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